New Year's Resolutions for Dogs

1. I will NOT play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
3. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
4. I will NOT roll my toys behind the fridge.
5. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
6. I will NOT eat the cat's food, before or after they eat it.
7. I will stop trying to find the last few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
8. I will NOT throw up in the car.
9. I will NOT roll on or in dead sea gulls, fish, crabs, etc.
10. I will NOT lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
11. I will NOT eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
12. I will NOT wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
13. I will NOT chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will NOT insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will NOT bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal Mommy's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
18. My head does NOT need to belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches inside for Mommy's driver's license and car registration.